Letters From Timothy

I have previously spoken about the apocalypse and the Book of Revelations, but I wanted to spend a letter discussing one of the more nuanced prophesies of John: the end-of-time, no-holds-barred, all-out cage match between Jesus and Satan.

Though the Book of Revelations clearly predictsa Jesus victory, questions of bias call the prophesy into question. John, whoever he was, was obviously a devout believer in-and a huge fan of-Jesus Christ of Nazareth. In his own words:

Jesus is EXTREME to the MAX!!! Ain’t NOBODY gonna mess him up, not now, and not in the future when some 7-headed son-of-a-gun is all up in his FACE. (Revelations 12:3)

Now, we can probably assume that the ‘7-headed son-of-a-gun’ that John refers to is probably not an actual offspring of a pistol with seven heads. Rather, it is likely a symbolism for the forces of evil; namely, Satan.

Satan, of course, gets a pretty bad rap in the Bible, and with good reason. He is often credited with the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden and every work of evil committed on Earth. But it is perhaps naive to assume that because of this, he is incapable of taking on Jesus in a hand-to-hand combat event of epic proportions. Satan clearly has natural weapons at his disposal that Jesus lacks: horns, hooves, and a pointy tail, for starters. But Satan is also very crafty. Remember, he planted the dinosaur bones that have tricked our finest archaeologists into believing that the Earth is older than 6000 years. Satan’s wiles combined with his physical advantages make him more than a formidable opponent for Jesus at the end of time.

Of course, it is questionable to even assume that Satan will be the one Jesus squares off against. The Book of Revelations prophesizes that the dead will rise on Judgement Day. Therefore, it may very well be that Jesus will not have to face Satan or the Antichrist at all, but rather an army of the undead. Jesus against the zombies of every human that’s ever died? I wouldn’t want to be the Christ in that situation.

But, regardless of how many lurching, brain-hungry undead Jesus can actually take, we may still ask him for strength to challenge the zombie challenges that we face in our own lives, that seem to continue popping up even after we thought we handled them before. Remember that with a little faith, and a shotgun, anything is possible.

-Timothy

P.S. Have a happy April 1st!